This story, like many others, begins with toilet paper.
Well, maybe not that many stories start that way, but this one does.
There are many types of toilet paper. Soft like silk or coarser ones, those which glide and slide effortlessly, fragrant ones, smooth or embossed, coloured, with various prints and thick, thin or multi-layered. There is no point in discussing it. What you prefer and why, should always remain behind the closed bathroom door. For me, at the moment, another division is important. Very specific and down to earth one. Basically, toilet papers can be separated into two groups. Soft, delightfully caressing every nook and cranny (“puppy” type) and rough and ruthless (“dragon” type).
By the way, these days the real "dragons" are long gone. They faded together with the end of the Eighties. It was Wild East, back then, I can tell you.
It may be hard to believe, but in the 80’s in Poland toilet paper was a rare luxury. You had to queue for hours to buy it. Alternatively, you could get it as a part of your monthly allocation at the workplace or as a reward for bringing the required amount of recyclable materials to a dedicated Recycling Centre (if you were less lucky you could get a drinking glass instead of a roll). There was nothing to replace the toilet roll with. Popular daily papers like Trybuna Ludu (People’s Tribune), Dziennik Zachodni (Western Daily) or Żołnierz Polski (Polish Soldier), even when crumpled, did not work too well.
I don't miss those moments. The paper was gray-beigy, very crumpled in texture, with clearly visible unground pieces of wood and bark, sometimes quite large. However, I must admit that it polished the required area quite well (probably due to its porosity), although while using it you cried not necessarily with happiness. Enough of these memories.
Maybe you've seen this ad.
Two guys dressed as Scots from Braveheart are sitting at chess in a mountainous area, although it's rumoured to be from Game of Thrones. They have two toilet rolls next to each other. One of them points to the roll and says "we like this". The loo roll is Andrex and the caption says “Andrex at Morrisons £5.25 for nine”. Then the guy points to the other roll and says "we like this one too". This is Softest. Caption says “Saxon in Aldi £2.79 for nine”. Then the off-frame dragon breathes fire and one of the guys says "but we don't like that." You can see the big caption “Aldi. Like famous brands, only cheaper ”. And additional information that you can save over 45%, blah blah blah.
This simple thing is designed to encourage us to change the store, brand or preferences. It works, usually, and it should work indeed, because information is money after all - if we do not know that something cheaper exists out there, then we cannot buy it. It is natural that we want to try such things, because why pay more if you can pay less?
A long time ago I visited Aldi twice and I didn't like it. (Aldi in the UK is a big chain and a brand. In Poland, it is just one more shop selling the same, widely available brands).The selection was much smaller than in large supermarkets and its products seemed to have this low quality aura around them. My Mom added a little to the pool of resentment, because, being seduced by the magic of the low prices, she simply loved that store. She used to shop there and bring home the cheapest crap they offered. The turning point for me came when my twins were born. Someone said you could get cheap and nice nappies in Aldi. I have one close to me, I decided to give it a try, because Pampers are good, but pricey, and the twins use a lot of this stuff.
I was surprised by the quality. Their nappies turned out to be better than Pampers. Same the ass wipes, simply magnificent. Price? Nappies were two times cheaper for a bigger pack. Baby wipes even better. I purchased a few more things on my visit just to try them out. The prices have gone up a lot lately, and it was noticeable that a few years ago for £50, you used to leave a Sainsbury or Tesco carrying four bags of goods, and now you only have two. Not everything at Aldi was great, don’t you think. Cleaning products - they generally suck, except maybe dishwasher tablets. The selection is poor, and that was a problem, because where there were fourteen different types of something at Sainsbury's, there were only two at Aldi, but the overall impression was more than positive. Dairy products, meat, bread, fruit and vegetables are all in good quality, and your food bill is usually reduced by 30 percent. Sometimes you notice that salt is less salty and sugar is not so sweet. Sausages taste different and the mustard is more sour. You can get used to certain things after a time, you only need to use them long enough and look at the bills to cheer you up. Homo sapiens has an amazing ability to adapt. People adapt to almost anything, especially when it comes at a lower price.
It is true that we all have our favourite goods or brands, and sometimes it's hard to break away from them. For me, it would be Dekoracyjny mayonnaise (Winiary brand) and Lajkonik salty sticks and pretzels. I don't like substitutes in this regard, and that's it, which does not mean that I would not be able to convince myself to buy a replacement product. I know it is possible, except that in this case I just don't want to do it. So, here we come to the heart of the matter, which is how to like, what theoretically we cannot or do not want to like. And that brings us straight to the beginning of this story: the toilet paper.
For a long time I had my favourite brand of TP, I won't tell you what it is, but it was soft, fragrant, with nice perforation, and you could buy it from the shelf of a famous supermarket for less than £4 (pack of 9). A pleasure that is expensive, especially with a large family and occasional guests who, according to my observations, sweeten their coffee, butter their bread and rub their butts as much as they can since they are not on their own.
While visiting Aldi, I saw this Saxon from the advertisement, which cost £5.89 for... 18 pieces! I decided to try it out and to be honest I was disappointed. It was nothing special. The paper was so stiff, as if perforated, but somehow it did not fit in the hand at all, had fewer layers and did not give that particular sense of comfort, so important for someone who hates public toilets and always tries to deliver home. However, I used it persistently, because when I paid, there was no way out. The family did not share my doubts, found the paper quite passable, but I ended this unpleasant episode quickly returning to my favourite brand.
One time the paper ran out. I don't know how it happened, we didn't see it and that's all about that. In my defence, having twins, when both parents work full-time and have a nine-year-old to deal with, such situations are not unusual. Often something is missing at home because there is simply no time to go shopping. Maybe I should say that "the paper was almost out", because at the bottom of the cupboard there was something that had been lying there for a long time, more or less since my mom's trips to various “poundlands” and only roughly resembled toilet paper. But there was no help, we had to use something. It was a challenge.
The thing was thin, almost transparent, poor to the touch, and narrow. It was like those rolls known from toilets at train stations, airports and supermarkets, industrial type, as I call them, and quite useless. We were persistent. We polished in unison, complaining. There were a lot of those, so the polishing went a long way, and then somehow it turned out that we did some shopping at Aldi again and brought back the Saxon mentioned earlier. This time the paper seemed to be heavenly. It was everything you could dream of. Compared to "industrial" it was alpha and omega. In fact, we still use it. In this way, what at first seemed like crap suddenly improved in quality. Of course, I was well aware of where the border was and I never went back to my previous favourite brand, but it was this event that gave me the idea for this text. I decided to share this simple recipe for not only getting used to something that seems worse than what we normally use, but also how to like it.
Step one - we start by using the thing we want to jump onto. As the quality is average here, we don't like the thing, and it will piss us off quickly. Step two - we switch to something even worse, but it really should be the very bottom that we would never normally think of. We grit our teeth and hurt ourselves for some time. Step three - we switch back to the first thing, and then a miracle occurs. Unexpectedly, the average item turns into something we like, and we start to praise it to others. Step four - we record what we tell our wife about that (could be mother, friend or lover, no matter who) - only to listen to it later and be surprised what kind of crap you can tell about something that a month earlier was even hard to look at. That's the whole recipe. Don't you believe it works? It works. It can be applied to absolutely anything. Make a simple simulation! My girlfriend doesn't like it... The car I drive is lousy... My TV screen is too small... This coffee doesn't taste like it should...
People have an amazing ability to adapt. This trait is one of those that allowed us to survive as a species and thanks to it, we still survive, even though we have a rather turbulent and unpleasant history. Man can get used to almost anything. At first, he dislikes, complains and rebels. He gets used to, and accepts, over time. I hear people saying that it is not possible to get used to everything, that not everything is acceptable. It's true, but let's look at it this way - quite often there's no other choice. We have to take what fate gives us and live with it. Next generations are growing up next to us. Those who are born into this world accept it immediately, because it is their world. They don't know any other and have nothing to compare it to, so everything they see is the only real thing. It is the norm, and they are not going to question it. At the same time, the older ones get older and eventually die, and the young ones will never rummage through the past because they are not interested in it. Finally, no one will remember that in the past, the packaging was bigger, ham tasted better without preservatives, there was more thank smell of fumes and tar in the air, and you could hear the croaking of frogs at night and herds of sparrows during the day. People will forget that in order to talk to someone you had to go to him, that you could call a spade a spade and that there was once toilet paper that could easily scratch your ass.
I didn't invent any of these. I only sell the same, well known goods in a slightly different packaging. Pieces can be found everywhere. Sometimes more than just pieces, as in Orwell's 1984. There is a marvellous story written by Marek Huberath “Kara większa” (“The Greater Punishment”, published in Nowa Fantastyka, 7/91); unfortunately unavailable in English. Maybe one day...
Some classics, so called “camp literature” (a variety of literature devoted to World War II, the subject of which are experiences related to the concentration camps and forced labor camps of the Third Reich (Kacet) and the USSR (Gulag). Just to mention Borowski, Herling-Grudziński, Solzhenitsyn, Grzesiuk (last one not available in English), but there are many, many other authors.
Some may remember what Nivellen said to the Witcher in the short story "A Grain of Truth" (by the way, first published as a short story in the same Nowa Fantastyka, 3/89 and included in the short story collection The Last Wish in 1993. First English edition, under the same name, is from 2007. Quite a gap, I would say).
“I've learned to endure it,” said NIvellen, “I got used to it. If it gets worse, I'll get used to it too.”
Believe me, you can get used to absolutely everything. Unfortunately, those who rule this world know it even better, and they also know how to use it.
Well, maybe not that many stories start that way, but this one does.
There are many types of toilet paper. Soft like silk or coarser ones, those which glide and slide effortlessly, fragrant ones, smooth or embossed, coloured, with various prints and thick, thin or multi-layered. There is no point in discussing it. What you prefer and why, should always remain behind the closed bathroom door. For me, at the moment, another division is important. Very specific and down to earth one. Basically, toilet papers can be separated into two groups. Soft, delightfully caressing every nook and cranny (“puppy” type) and rough and ruthless (“dragon” type).
By the way, these days the real "dragons" are long gone. They faded together with the end of the Eighties. It was Wild East, back then, I can tell you.
By the way, these days the real "dragons" are long gone. They faded together with the end of the Eighties. It was Wild East, back then, I can tell you.
It may be hard to believe, but in the 80’s in Poland toilet paper was a rare luxury. You had to queue for hours to buy it. Alternatively, you could get it as a part of your monthly allocation at the workplace or as a reward for bringing the required amount of recyclable materials to a dedicated Recycling Centre (if you were less lucky you could get a drinking glass instead of a roll). There was nothing to replace the toilet roll with. Popular daily papers like Trybuna Ludu (People’s Tribune), Dziennik Zachodni (Western Daily) or Żołnierz Polski (Polish Soldier), even when crumpled, did not work too well.
I don't miss those moments. The paper was gray-beigy, very crumpled in texture, with clearly visible unground pieces of wood and bark, sometimes quite large. However, I must admit that it polished the required area quite well (probably due to its porosity), although while using it you cried not necessarily with happiness. Enough of these memories.
Maybe you've seen this ad.
Two guys dressed as Scots from Braveheart are sitting at chess in a mountainous area, although it's rumoured to be from Game of Thrones. They have two toilet rolls next to each other. One of them points to the roll and says "we like this". The loo roll is Andrex and the caption says “Andrex at Morrisons £5.25 for nine”. Then the guy points to the other roll and says "we like this one too". This is Softest. Caption says “Saxon in Aldi £2.79 for nine”. Then the off-frame dragon breathes fire and one of the guys says "but we don't like that." You can see the big caption “Aldi. Like famous brands, only cheaper ”. And additional information that you can save over 45%, blah blah blah.
This simple thing is designed to encourage us to change the store, brand or preferences. It works, usually, and it should work indeed, because information is money after all - if we do not know that something cheaper exists out there, then we cannot buy it. It is natural that we want to try such things, because why pay more if you can pay less?
A long time ago I visited Aldi twice and I didn't like it. (Aldi in the UK is a big chain and a brand. In Poland, it is just one more shop selling the same, widely available brands).The selection was much smaller than in large supermarkets and its products seemed to have this low quality aura around them. My Mom added a little to the pool of resentment, because, being seduced by the magic of the low prices, she simply loved that store. She used to shop there and bring home the cheapest crap they offered. The turning point for me came when my twins were born. Someone said you could get cheap and nice nappies in Aldi. I have one close to me, I decided to give it a try, because Pampers are good, but pricey, and the twins use a lot of this stuff.
I was surprised by the quality. Their nappies turned out to be better than Pampers. Same the ass wipes, simply magnificent. Price? Nappies were two times cheaper for a bigger pack. Baby wipes even better. I purchased a few more things on my visit just to try them out. The prices have gone up a lot lately, and it was noticeable that a few years ago for £50, you used to leave a Sainsbury or Tesco carrying four bags of goods, and now you only have two. Not everything at Aldi was great, don’t you think. Cleaning products - they generally suck, except maybe dishwasher tablets. The selection is poor, and that was a problem, because where there were fourteen different types of something at Sainsbury's, there were only two at Aldi, but the overall impression was more than positive. Dairy products, meat, bread, fruit and vegetables are all in good quality, and your food bill is usually reduced by 30 percent. Sometimes you notice that salt is less salty and sugar is not so sweet. Sausages taste different and the mustard is more sour. You can get used to certain things after a time, you only need to use them long enough and look at the bills to cheer you up. Homo sapiens has an amazing ability to adapt. People adapt to almost anything, especially when it comes at a lower price.
It is true that we all have our favourite goods or brands, and sometimes it's hard to break away from them. For me, it would be Dekoracyjny mayonnaise (Winiary brand) and Lajkonik salty sticks and pretzels. I don't like substitutes in this regard, and that's it, which does not mean that I would not be able to convince myself to buy a replacement product. I know it is possible, except that in this case I just don't want to do it. So, here we come to the heart of the matter, which is how to like, what theoretically we cannot or do not want to like. And that brings us straight to the beginning of this story: the toilet paper.
For a long time I had my favourite brand of TP, I won't tell you what it is, but it was soft, fragrant, with nice perforation, and you could buy it from the shelf of a famous supermarket for less than £4 (pack of 9). A pleasure that is expensive, especially with a large family and occasional guests who, according to my observations, sweeten their coffee, butter their bread and rub their butts as much as they can since they are not on their own.
While visiting Aldi, I saw this Saxon from the advertisement, which cost £5.89 for... 18 pieces! I decided to try it out and to be honest I was disappointed. It was nothing special. The paper was so stiff, as if perforated, but somehow it did not fit in the hand at all, had fewer layers and did not give that particular sense of comfort, so important for someone who hates public toilets and always tries to deliver home. However, I used it persistently, because when I paid, there was no way out. The family did not share my doubts, found the paper quite passable, but I ended this unpleasant episode quickly returning to my favourite brand.
One time the paper ran out. I don't know how it happened, we didn't see it and that's all about that. In my defence, having twins, when both parents work full-time and have a nine-year-old to deal with, such situations are not unusual. Often something is missing at home because there is simply no time to go shopping. Maybe I should say that "the paper was almost out", because at the bottom of the cupboard there was something that had been lying there for a long time, more or less since my mom's trips to various “poundlands” and only roughly resembled toilet paper. But there was no help, we had to use something. It was a challenge.
The thing was thin, almost transparent, poor to the touch, and narrow. It was like those rolls known from toilets at train stations, airports and supermarkets, industrial type, as I call them, and quite useless. We were persistent. We polished in unison, complaining. There were a lot of those, so the polishing went a long way, and then somehow it turned out that we did some shopping at Aldi again and brought back the Saxon mentioned earlier. This time the paper seemed to be heavenly. It was everything you could dream of. Compared to "industrial" it was alpha and omega. In fact, we still use it. In this way, what at first seemed like crap suddenly improved in quality. Of course, I was well aware of where the border was and I never went back to my previous favourite brand, but it was this event that gave me the idea for this text. I decided to share this simple recipe for not only getting used to something that seems worse than what we normally use, but also how to like it.
Step one - we start by using the thing we want to jump onto. As the quality is average here, we don't like the thing, and it will piss us off quickly. Step two - we switch to something even worse, but it really should be the very bottom that we would never normally think of. We grit our teeth and hurt ourselves for some time. Step three - we switch back to the first thing, and then a miracle occurs. Unexpectedly, the average item turns into something we like, and we start to praise it to others. Step four - we record what we tell our wife about that (could be mother, friend or lover, no matter who) - only to listen to it later and be surprised what kind of crap you can tell about something that a month earlier was even hard to look at. That's the whole recipe. Don't you believe it works? It works. It can be applied to absolutely anything. Make a simple simulation! My girlfriend doesn't like it... The car I drive is lousy... My TV screen is too small... This coffee doesn't taste like it should...
People have an amazing ability to adapt. This trait is one of those that allowed us to survive as a species and thanks to it, we still survive, even though we have a rather turbulent and unpleasant history. Man can get used to almost anything. At first, he dislikes, complains and rebels. He gets used to, and accepts, over time. I hear people saying that it is not possible to get used to everything, that not everything is acceptable. It's true, but let's look at it this way - quite often there's no other choice. We have to take what fate gives us and live with it. Next generations are growing up next to us. Those who are born into this world accept it immediately, because it is their world. They don't know any other and have nothing to compare it to, so everything they see is the only real thing. It is the norm, and they are not going to question it. At the same time, the older ones get older and eventually die, and the young ones will never rummage through the past because they are not interested in it. Finally, no one will remember that in the past, the packaging was bigger, ham tasted better without preservatives, there was more thank smell of fumes and tar in the air, and you could hear the croaking of frogs at night and herds of sparrows during the day. People will forget that in order to talk to someone you had to go to him, that you could call a spade a spade and that there was once toilet paper that could easily scratch your ass.
I didn't invent any of these. I only sell the same, well known goods in a slightly different packaging. Pieces can be found everywhere. Sometimes more than just pieces, as in Orwell's 1984. There is a marvellous story written by Marek Huberath “Kara większa” (“The Greater Punishment”, published in Nowa Fantastyka, 7/91); unfortunately unavailable in English. Maybe one day...
Some classics, so called “camp literature” (a variety of literature devoted to World War II, the subject of which are experiences related to the concentration camps and forced labor camps of the Third Reich (Kacet) and the USSR (Gulag). Just to mention Borowski, Herling-Grudziński, Solzhenitsyn, Grzesiuk (last one not available in English), but there are many, many other authors.
Some may remember what Nivellen said to the Witcher in the short story "A Grain of Truth" (by the way, first published as a short story in the same Nowa Fantastyka, 3/89 and included in the short story collection The Last Wish in 1993. First English edition, under the same name, is from 2007. Quite a gap, I would say).
“I've learned to endure it,” said NIvellen, “I got used to it. If it gets worse, I'll get used to it too.”
Believe me, you can get used to absolutely everything. Unfortunately, those who rule this world know it even better, and they also know how to use it.
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